10/10

when i write this
the mental health day has already passed in china
that sounds a little unfair, right
your certified love is no longer valid to me if you live before utc+4

i'm so lucky
I'm that 97% population on the earth
who have never suffered from mental illnesses
just as 97% of water on the earth
salty, dirty, not drinkable, not destroyable

people are joking about A
well, it's understandable
because we've seen too much attention whores
youngster loves following #trend
and depression is never an exception

a months ago
i've watched a clip of a popular chinese series
in there, a girl is crying and trying to jump into the river
her mom is also crying, and asking
"why you must go to that infamous university?"

there are many crisis hotlines
decrease on suicidality has also been found
however i'm always doubting
isn't a stir up hotline sound better?
because look, if one wants to end their life
aren't those who trying to stop him questionable?

live with insomnias is a disaster
when i can't sleep after 4am and keep turning over
their tut-tut is even louder than the song playing in my earphone
as for the song sounds happy or sad, no one care

"don't fucking label people"
i shout to people who calling me SAD
when i refused too many invites to play outside
but seconds after, the moment when i think about this
i realize i can't legitimately prove them wrong

when i feel happy i can just laugh right
when i feel sad i can just cry right
but how if i feel empty, feel lonely
how if i cry only because there are too many unread mails in my inbox

i've imagined in my half-joking sf story
that when i grow up i will make the most powerful bomb
not because i want to rule the world
just so i can make my heart explode
as in the strongbox that is supposed to storage the KFC recipe
there is a serious injured rabbit

…………

have seen many landscape photos online
sunset, its glow, high mountains, flowers
why human being must exist in such a beautiful nature
when their emotions are their trouble

that person who tried to jump off a building has been rescued?
wow, cool, nice to hear
life must continue right
if jump off can solve all problems
how would we call man a thinking reed

randomly watching varieties on tv
there's a detective simulation game
all guests keep making funny faces
when there is person dead
i laughed a lot, because it's hella real

pm'd my mom saying
"fuck the test today is so hard :joy:"
while listening to emos
my mom replied, hours later
"its fine prof will manage to do something"
plus
"sry was preparing dinner, fried ribbonfish"

before winter comes let's get everything done
i still have three unfinished novels
favorite project dues at 1 week later
day and night which one is better
not important than tik toks that matter

people saying life is important
but actually, it is not that important
universe is boundless however life is not
klein blue is stunning however life is not

laugh without feeling happy
crying without feeling sad
no matter when we are always a number
so just keep walking

just keep walking

and then i will meet my fellow creatures
using 5651 languages tell me that
"you matter"
thank you, but i know i am not
and thank you, because i know no one even is
human is just plasma sustained by flesh and blood
what i can do is just stand still and feel the electric current flows

…………

neighbored secondary school just started
when the bell rings i see a crow resting on a chinese photinia
i joke at it "you smell like semen"
what i get as return is a 5-second silence
it must be thinking about the same thing